What Not To Do With the Transformers Guide
by Sapphire225
Summary: Set in several universes. How do you avoid getting killed by a psychopathic robt? How do you remain on the good side of some. Want to know your limitations? Don't fear! This guide will protect you from losing limbs and your life! Read bottom for details.
1. Intro

Sapphy: I know I just made a story, but I couldn't help myself

Sapphy: I know I just made a story, but I couldn't help myself! 

Disclaimer: I do not own the Transformers. If I did, I wouldn't be on this site now would I?

Btw, I got this idea from a fanfic called "Decepticon Survival Guide"

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**What Not to Do When Around the Transformers **

Hello Humans, Homo sapiens, Puny Fleshlings and Tiny Organics. You've probably heard of the Transformers have you? Of course you have! Whoever hasn't has been spending meaningless life.

Anyway, whether it is the Autobots or Decepticons, you may have had an encounter or have prayed for one for your entire life with them. They are two factions with two different beliefs, or rather goals per se. However, keep in mind that both factions consist of giant shape-shifting alien robots, which are fully capable of ending your existence with little effort. (However, the Autobots are less likely to do so for they are programmed to protect life, although some won't harming you a bit)

In order to avoid self harm, please listen to these very essential tips as to how to remain on one's good side and avoid its harmful side at all costs. It should be noted that by staying on one's good side, you'll avoid losing a limb or two.

Keep in mind that some transformers are much more irritable than others, so do be careful. Read this guide and avoid harm to yourself, for it will pay off in the end.

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Sapphy: Not really a fanfic, but a guide, just so you guys know.

(If you have some ideas, DON'T PUT THEM IN THE REVIEWS!! Please send them by email. Thankies! )


	2. Megatron

1st

* * *

**1****st****. Do not Aggravate the Decepticon Leader (G1)**

**-- **

Now, this should be a simple thing for you to do. Especially if you value your life.

Megatron is the leader of the Decepticons, the faction of Transformers you may want to avoid at all costs. If, by any chance, you encounter this mech, do not, I repeat, _do NOT _yell up in defiance of him or beg for your life. Megatron WILL kill you without hesitation. He despises you as well as all of those of your kind. Chances are, he will only hold you for ransom, or, if you are a special person, have you do something for him.

If you are held hostage, don't try to escape. His subordinates will come for you. Usually, if up to it, a casseticon will come for you and find you. If Frenzy or Rumble finds you, chances are they will take you to Soundwave or Megatron himself. If Ravage finds you, your chances of survival are drastically reduced. Ravage is a large cat who will find _mice _like you very appetizing, although I doubt that he will eat you. Maybe rip for flesh a bit, but not eat you. Nonetheless, escape is impossible, for you are underwater and chances are, you won't make it halfway to the surface before drowning.

If you are brought to Megatron after your futile attempt to escape, you have these few options to extend your life or be spared:

Beg for forgiveness

Explain that Starscream had something to do with it (By doing this, you may be terminated by the hands of the red seeker)

Pray

Unfortunately, there is a limited list to survive this after this stunt so please, for your own safety, avoid escape by all costs.

If Megatron is having you work for him, cooperate. No questions asked.

* * *

**Questions and Answers**

Q: "Megatron kidnapped my son not too long ago. What should I do!?"

A: Unfortunately, there is nothing _you _can do. However, if reported to the Autobots, they will be able to rescue your child. Whether he is in one piece, however, is a different matter

Q: "I called Megatron a walking trashcan and now he seems really angry. What should I do?"

A: I don't know what possessed you to say those words, but there is nothing you can do. You just insulted the leader of all things evil (besides Unicron) and he will not tolerate an insult from a small fleshbag such as yourself. In other words, you are screwed. Thank you for reading this guide and brace yourself for excruciating pain as he will mercilessly tear you apart.

Q: "Um, like, there is this, like totally big robot. And, like, he says he's like, Galvatron. So, like. I heard he used to be Megatron. Should I, like, be uber scared of him?"

A: Yes, you should. Galvatron is the modified version of Megatron, only much stronger. And psychopathic. Avoid him at all costs.

* * *

Hopefully, you followed and listened to these helpful hints on surviving abduction and captivity. Your chances of survival may slightly have risen up (for Megatron's disdain to your kind may influence on how successful it was) and you may see your family again.

* * *

Next shall be Sunstreaker, and to not ruin his paint job.


	3. Sunstreaker

2nd

* * *

**2****nd****. Don't ruin Sunstreaker's paintjob (G1) **

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Although Sunstreaker is an arrogant braggart who annoys the slag out of the others of his team, he is an Autobot. However, do not believe that because of this he will be kind to you. Sunstreaker sees you humans as a bunch of annoying irritating creatures, but does not share the disdain of you organics as the Decepticons do. Make no mistake, Sunstreaker can become a cold hearted _serial killer _on the battle field and can take out his enemy without an ounce of mercy, which brings me to this important tip.

By all means, do NOT ruin this Mech's paintjob. He will not tolerate it whatsoever f the scratch is discovered, and he WILL discover it, sooner than you think. If you actually had the guts (or foolishness) to scratch the paint, find Sideswipe. Sideswipe is the twin brother of this yellow mech and is a little more reasonable. Try to the best of your ability to have him hide you or to at least calm down his brother (although the process of doing so may take longer than you think) so you can escape with a broken arm or mild concussion. If Sideswipe is not available, go to Ratchet, the medic of the Autobots. Ratchet is better than Sideswipe in this situation, but he may not pay you much heed to you and is often busy.

If neither of the two Autobots are available, run and hide _quickly. _Sunstreaker _will _find out you did it and _will _hunt you down. To prolong your life, move to a different country or at least change your personal information to make it much harder for him to find you.

However, this information applies if it was on purpose.

If you scratch his paint by accident, your chances of surviving are improved by at least twenty percent. As long as you offer to repay the large robot, you may stay on his good side (although, this will only mean he'll ignore you)

* * *

**Questions and Answers **

Q: I wanted to pull a prank on Sunstreaker, so I painted him pink! Do you think he'll be amused?

A: _Dear Lord!_ You survived long enough to send this question!? He will most definitely not be amused and will kill you within a week. Enjoy your last few days (if that much) foolish fleshling.

Q: I was going to the store and as I opened the door, it scratched against a yellow Lamborghini. I didn't say anything because I don't know if it was a regular car or him. How will I know?

A: Look outside your window. If you see that yellow Lamborghini or an angry robot outside of your house, cracking his knuckles, then yes, you hit him. If not, it may have been a regular car or he isn't going to kill you just yet. But don't push your luck.

Q: I accidentally put a dent in Sunstreaker. What should I do?

A: Relax. For some odd reason, Sunstreaker would prefer a dent rather than a scratch. However, this doesn't mean he isn't angry at you. Apologize, withstand his cruel criticism and insults and you should be off the hook!

* * *

Well, although none of you (hopefully) are stupid enough to anger this mech and will remain on his good side by following this easy tip. (Note: Although this is a simple tip, many fans would try to attempt to disobey this it. Keep in mind that by doing this, you may lose some limbs and even your life)

* * *

Ok, I'll make another soon! Unless you guys have an idea ;)


	4. Starscream

3rd

3rd

* * *

**3****rd****. Do not hassle Starscream (G1)**

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One of the most notable characters of the Transformers Universe, Starscream is the Second in Command of the Decepticons and the Air Commander of the Seekers. However, he is a very treacherous Decepticon with great ambitions and intends to overthrow Megatron, although his futile attempts seem to have him scorned more and receiving several beatings from the leader. He is also a coward and will not hesitate to leave you in the mist of battle when the opposite faction has the upper hand. However, Starscream knows full well that humans do not stand a chance against the Transformer race.

Therefore, do hassle the Seeker. I know you want to, but don't. However, these situations probably will only arrive if you are held hostage or if the decepticons plan an assault (or something of it) in an area you are conveniently in.

If you are held hostage by the decepticons, chances are that you may not be harmed unless the Autobots declines the trading, in which the chances are _very _slim. You may have a few decepticons overseers. They are more likely to be Soundwave, Frenzy, Rumble, or Thundercracker, but it can be one of the Constructicons. If you somehow cross paths with Starscream, he will probably look at you in disdain and complain at how fragile and weak your race is. Do not speak against him. If left alone, he can go against his orders and crush you. He'll later answer to Megatron, but you would be rather too…dead, for it to benefit you. Also, the whiny egomaniacal Mech is known to harbor grudges. So don't try to tick him off. Although Starscream doesn't hate humans as much as Megatron, he still wants your submission, whether it be by force or by your own will. Always keep that in mind.

If the Decepticons are attacking an area you happened to be in, and you happen to _still _remain there to get spotted (for it is a wise decision to leave as soon as possible the moment of their arrival), avoid Starscream and Megatron (mainly Megatron). If Starscream manages to spot you, don't come up with insults or snappy comebacks. He'll only mock you or hurt you. Chances are more likely he'll hurt you. Instead, run (he may simply ignore you or laugh at you or may shoot at you. Hope for the first choice) and hide. If you can't run, beg (as it will please him) or remain silent.

* * *

**Questions and Answers **

Q: Um, should I correct him when he proclaims that he's the leader of the Decepticons?

A: No, do not. Although we know full well that Megatron is the leader, correcting him will anger him and will result in something painful for you. But don't worry, Megatron will correct him, through abuse.

Q: His voice is kind of…screechy and it is hurting my ears. What do I do?

A: Suck it up. It is his voice that gives him character.

Q: Um, there is his strange looking character that looks like Starscream, but it isn't the same color. How do I know it is him?

A: Fool! You know nothing of Starscream's traditional colored armor plating! Starscream is red, white, and blue with some yellow. If blue, it is Thundercracker. If purple, it is Skywarp. And if yellow, it is Sunstorm. (How the heck did you run into _**this **_Decepticon is beyond me, but if you do, you are screwed)

* * *

Well, not too much to do to avoid Starscream's wrath is it? Oh well, your encounter with this Mech will be blissfully (or for Starscream fans, unfortunately) short.

* * *

This one wasn't as funny, but oh well! I'm practicing my art skills to see if I can put it on Deviantart.

Next will be either Swindle or Ratchet. I'll hold a vote! Please post your votes by the end of next week!


	5. Ratchet

Sorry for the long wait everyone! Since this would most likely be the most popular choice, here it is: our favorite giant robo-medic of doom, Ratchet! xD

* * *

**4****th****. Do not anger the Autobot Medic (G1) **

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Now we all must be familiar with the famous, or rather, infamous Autobot Medic Ratchet. Ratchet is the Chief Medical Officer (CMO) who has more experience than any other human doctors that have ever been born onto the planet, and has served longer as a medic than our planet's existence. It is safe to say the mech knows for certain what he is doing and whatever breaks can be fixed. From time to time, the medic may have also fought on the field, being called on the line of duty for the Autobot cause. However, as capable as this medic is, you must beware one thing: His bedside manner.

Ratchet possesses the temperament of PMS-ing wolverine who hasn't slept in a week. Many mechs who have found themselves in his medbay have come out with more injuries than they received from battle. The twins, Sunstreaker and Sideswipe, are his _favorite _patients of them all. Ratchet is able to intimidate the sociopath, something many Decepticons are not able to do. Ratchet's weapon of choice is a large wench, which he is able to toss at his victims with deadly speed and accuracy from a miraculous distance, and have the wrench return to his hand like a boomerang. Also, the medic will not hesitate to punch the metallic noggin of any mech who has caused themselves injuries due to negligence or completely inevitable occurrences.

Do not believe that because you are a human, you will remain immune to the Autobot's wrath. Ratchet has many _creative _punishments for your species. Some may include pain, some may include sheer boredom. However, none will be pleasant. Therefore, don't anger the medic. However, the two easiest (and most likely, the only) ways to avoid his wrath is to remain uninjured or to make sure you have the twins to blame upon (however, this will lead a seriously _pissed _giant robots coming after you). If everything goes well, you might just get away with a concussion.

* * *

**Questions and Answers **

Q: So, lets say I sprained my ankle while running down a steep hill. You're saying he'll be angry with me?

A: Yes human. Why were you running down a steep hill in the first place? Unless you were running from Decepticons, there is no logical reason.

Q: Wait, if he's a medic, why is he beating the living crap out of his patients?

A: Ratchet may be a little _violent _in his methods, but it is his way of showing he is concerned about you and that he was worried with you. So what if he mercilessly pounds his wrench into his patients and throws abnormally sharp objects directed towards your face. He cares about you.

Q: Why would he hurt a human!? I thought the Autobots fights to help us, not to cause us any bodily harm.

A: You are true about one thing: The Autobots fight to save all sentient being from the Decepticons, but that doesn't mean they don't want to hurt you. The three laws of Robotics _don't _apply to the Transformers, therefore, should the Autobots ever think you're not fighting for…well…do you really want to know what would become of the planet Earth?

* * *

Well, the basic things you have to do to avoid to bring the livid nature of the Autobot medic is to just be careful and make sure you don't hurt yourselves in stupid stunts. And remember: FEAR THE MEDIC!

* * *

Sorry it took me forever. School must ate me so much to make me have several things I have to finished and be left untouched. I'll try to update as much as possible during the break. I usually have the most time the update during weekends, holidays, and vacation. But, enough babbling, Have a Merry Christmas/ Hanukah/ Kwanzaa everyone! God Bless and get ready to rob Santa Claus when he comes down your chimney!


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